A Soulful Recovery

A traumatic illness or injury can be a life altering experience. It can take weeks, months, or even years to pull all aspects of being back into wholeness.

Very often when an illness or injury occurs it can change everything from the most mundane daily routines to the most important relationships in your life.  This can be a confusing and troubling time without the right focus.

I was only 17 when a near fatal tick bite changed my life. I was a typical high school senior with lots of friends, active in clubs and groups, and had a great boyfriend. When I became ill and missed most of the last days of my senior year it was almost as traumatic as the illness itself. School functions went on without me, the clubs and groups that I had once belonged had now reorganized to fill my spot, and my boyfriend, who was only 19, wasn’t happy with a sick girlfriend. I could not do the things that had been able to do in the past. I was weak, I was nearly blind, and my hair had fallen out from the trauma of the illness and meds. In my mind I was not attractive in any way at that time. The low point  was when I caught my boyfriend with another girl, a homecoming queen. I was devastated!! That was when I began spiraling down. I started smoking that night and it led to years of abusing myself in many ways, drugs, alcohol and a negative mental dialog.

After several years we were able to put things back together and we got married (and we are happily married to this day, nearly 29 years later) and we had three GREAT kids, and a home and a life. But there was always this feeling of incompleteness and disconnectedness that plagued me daily. I had what was considered a pretty normal life and I did not abuse drugs or alcohol anymore, although I still smoked and I still told myself all of the negative things that I had told myself since I was sick. In essence, I floundered to find perspective. I wanted to be a good confident woman for my daughter’s to look up to, I wanted to have qualities that my son would look for in a wife, and I wanted to be the wife that my husband deserved.

Why was this so hard to do?

Because during the first few months of my recovery I did not get the emotional, mental and spiritual support I needed for a FULL recovery. Physically I was considered to be healed, but mentally and emotionally I was still very ill and spiritually I was shattered. In 1979 we were just not in tune with the mind, body, spirit connection like we are now. I think most of the modern medical establishment now knows that there is no point in saving the body if in the process they lose the soul, but back then there just wasn’t much thought about it. People would just tell me I was lucky to be alive. I didn’t feel so lucky, I felt depressed, angry, tired, weak, alone, and when I read in the newspaper that a 5 year old child had died from the same thing just a few miles from me, I felt ashamed for not feeling “lucky” to be alive.

During my thirties I had yet another disappointment when I had a business that failed. For most people it would have been “Okay, that didn’t work, move on.” But for me it was just one more thing that I could not accomplish in my life. It was one more thing for my kids to look at as a failure in my life. It was one more reason for my husband to look at me with disappointment. It was almost more than I could bear. That was when I took up yoga. That day saved me.

On my yoga mat I was told to only go as far as I could comfortably go with out strain, or stress, then stop relax into the pose and feel what I was feeling. No one was telling me that the feelings I had were wrong. In fact, I was told to not judge the feelings as good or bad, but to just be with those feelings. As I began to follow the advice from my instructors, things began to happen internally to me. Feelings that had been suppressed for years began to bubble up. As I created more space in my body I also created more space in my mind and spirit. I began to realize that the illness was just an experience in my life and it did not define me. There was so much more to me than that one experience. I began to get strong of body and mind, I began to feel empowered, and I began to know who I was now, not who I was then. I learned to take each moment as it is, without judgment.

Soon after, I began to study professionally and got my teaching certification, I now own my own studio Active Kat Yoga (www.activekatyoga.com). I have watched the transformation of my students.

My family is proud of who I am now, but what I have realized is that they always were proud of me, I was the one who had a problem with me. I love my life now, and yoga has given me that gift, and has given me the ability to share that gift. I always have told people who have came close to death and survived that they must have something really important to do, yet I never told myself that. I know now that I do have something important to do in my life, I have to get up everyday and be the best person I can be that day, in spite of what is perceived as a failure or shortcoming. One of my students gave me the biggest compliment one day when she said to me, “If you have taught us nothing else, you have taught us that there are no limits to what can be done. That was a good day.